


please don't lose your faith (in me)

by LoveWithAGirl



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Asexual Fjord, Attempted Sexual Assault, Canon Compliant, Canon-Typical Violence, F/M, Families of Choice, Gen, Getting Together, Hurt/Comfort, Slow Burn, implied Beau/Yasha
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-07
Updated: 2018-08-07
Packaged: 2019-06-23 06:45:26
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 20,116
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15600615
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LoveWithAGirl/pseuds/LoveWithAGirl
Summary: “I’m not,” and Jester’s voice cracks again but she takes a deep breath and pushes on, “I’m not okay, is the thing,” and Fjord just holds on as she finally lets the words pour out. She starts with being taken, the fear that had filled her and stayed with her, and Fjord’s surprised when Yasha joins in, her breathing growing just as ragged as Jester’s. Yasha falls silent when Jester talks about the second night, about the three of them fighting off the two slavers, and then Fjord surprises himself by picking up where Jester falters when she gets to the torture.Nott stays in front of them as they talk, the three of them weaving together the long day and night they spent in the dungeon, tears filling her eyes and eventually rolling down her cheeks, but she doesn’t make a sound, no one else in the room does, until finally they taper off, Jester’s voice turning into a whisper and fading as she finishes telling about watching Fjord get knocked out.“You’re so strong,” Nott’s voice is wet but fierce, and Fjord watches her reach out to grab Jester’s free hand, “you’re all so strong. But it’s okay to let us be strong for you, now.”





	please don't lose your faith (in me)

**Author's Note:**

> Here there be spoilers for Episode 29!
> 
> This is a canon compliant future fic of how Jester and Yasha and Fjord heal together and separately after they were rescued. This was also something that was going to be short and then ended up spiraling out of control, just like my last Fjord/Jester piece. It's 39 pages of hurting and healing and falling in love, and I hope you like it.
> 
> There is the threat of and a stopped attempt of a sexual assault in here, and it is referenced several times throughout the work, but it does not happen.
> 
> I did make a [playlist](https://open.spotify.com/user/22fntu7jl4aoy5mfldgwauyxq/playlist/1To54ozqay4sYhiBf5I8BG?si=Ni1K8BfQRiGgQSH7d8heMw) to go along with this if anyone is interested. There are Fjord, Jester, and Fjorester songs on there in no particular order.

The first time Fjord had sex he was 19, and his strongest memory of it is how scared he was.

That’s the first thing he thinks of when Nott asks if he’s ever been with anyone before, and he says yes, because he has; he just doesn’t tell them that he’s only been with three people. That’s the thought that lingers when Caleb asks if it was with anyone special, and he says no, because it wasn’t, not any of those three times it happened.

He waits for someone else to bring it up, for snide remarks or probing questions, and Jester does say that she thinks he should take lessons if he’s so inexperienced, but it’s not out of any kind of mean streak in her, just blunt honesty in that way she is about sex. He stammers his way out of that, and dreads it coming up later when everyone is sober again, but then their money gets stolen, and Jester leads them to those kids, and Fjord’s heart breaks when they talk about the orphanage. He knows he has no right to ask his companions to help them, not when they have a deadline from someone like The Gentleman, but he asks anyway, memories of the orphanage he grew up in swirling in his head.

He doesn’t expect them to agree, but they do. They agree, this motley crew he travels with, they agree to do their best to get the parents out of prison and keep these kids out of an orphanage.

He honestly doesn’t think they’ll succeed, but they do. They destroy the construct, Jester keeps everyone alive, and then when as a group they decide to put their reward towards bail he gladly agrees to cover half of the remaining amount when Jester offers up the full. She gives him a soft smile that he can’t quite parse, and then they’re moving and the moment is lost before he can pull her aside to thank her.

No one’s going to bring up his lack of sexual experience when they’re reuniting a family, and Fjord is so thankful for that; he forgets it entirely when Caleb asks if the family could look after Kiri, too.

Leaving Kiri behind is harder than he thought. He’s fond enough of her, not as attached as Jester is, but it still aches a little bit, letting go of this bright little bird who has so clearly imprinted on them. She seems alright with it, though, accepts that they are putting her in a safe home, and Fjord just hangs onto the thought that she gets to grow up with a family looking out for her.

Beau cries and pretends she doesn’t; Jester cries, and she doesn’t care who sees. Beau sets her chin and still pulls Jester in for a hug, leaves one arm around her shoulders as they watch Kiri say goodbye to the rest of the Nein. It says something about the two of them, who they are and how they were raised, but Fjord knows it’s none of his business, so he leaves Beau alone and hesitantly rests a hand on Jester’s shoulder in an attempt to offer comfort. She reaches one of her own up to cover his, squeezes gently and turns her head enough to offer him a shaky smile, and Fjord steps closer, his side brushing hers as they watch the Kiri walk into the small building and the door shut behind her.

Fjord thanks his companions as they walk back to the inn, exhaustion dragging everyone’s shoulders down, thanks them for going out on a limb for him, and everyone nods at him, offer him tired smiles as they keep heading on, and Fjord doesn’t know what to do about that.

Jester squeezes his hand as she walks past him towards her room, and Fjord just stares after her for a moment before Mollymauk carefully pushes him out of the way of their door. Fjord waits for the purple tiefling to bring up the sex thing as they get ready to sleep, but Molly doesn’t, just wishes him a good night and promptly passes out on top of the blankets. As Fjord gets into his own bed he finds himself hoping that everyone’s forgotten about his lack of experience and fumbling attempts at flirting and will just let him be.

It’s an easy morning, no one hungover or fighting, and Fjord keeps his head down, avoids Ireena’s gaze as Mollymauk goes up to order them breakfast. They eat and then head over to Tinkertop’s shop, get Nott her crossbow, and no one even gives Fjord a calculating look.

They head out of town, travel through the rest of the day without incident, and as he bunks down in his tent Fjord finds himself thinking he’s gotten away with not having to talk about sex and the lack thereof it in his life.

Then he takes second watch with Yasha, and then Jester joins them, and then.

And then.

It’s dark, no light coming into the cage through whatever canvas is covering the wagon, but Fjord can still see Yasha and Jester, can feel them pressed together in this small space, and his heart is threatening to pound out of his chest, fear and anger knotting themselves together. Yasha presses her shoulders against the cage across from him and seems to just be trying to slow her breaths, eyes distant in a way Fjord recognizes; she’s reliving something, far away from he or Jester can reach her.

Jester, who is squirming and shifting until she’s pressed against his side, and then she starts rubbing her face firmly against his shoulder. For a minute Fjord thinks she might be crying and trying to wipe the tears away, but when he looks down he sees that it’s the lower part of her cheek being pressed to him again and again. She’s trying to work the gag out of her mouth, he realizes, and a surge of hope breaks through the dark swirl of emotions in his chest, because if she does then she can cast a spell.

The hope quickly fades, though, as Jester works at her gag to no avail, and eventually she gives up, ducking her head and resting her temple against his upper arm; her shoulders start to shake, and horrible choking sobs start coming out of her mouth, and Fjord’s heart breaks. He sees Yasha leaning her legs against Jester’s in an effort of lending comfort, and he locks eyes with the barbarian, shares a nod and hopes she can’t see the fear in his eyes.

There’s a trickle of blood coming down from the corner of Jester’s mouth when she finally looks up at him, where she’s rubbed the skin raw trying to get the gag out, and Fjord twists his spine painfully in order to duck down and press his forehead to hers.

There’s already a dark bruise on her jaw from where the thug hit her earlier, and her face is wet with tears, and Fjord doesn’t know how the fuck they’re getting out of this.

\--

On the second night the slavers try to get Jester away from them.

The gags prevent them from talking to each other; the men only take the cloth out of their mouths one at a time to give them a few minutes to eat a small amount of stale food, but they’ve still figured out enough head movements and facial gestures to be able to at least sort of check in with each other and designate watches through the night.

On that second night, well into the night during Fjord’s watch, the canvas suddenly parts at the back of the cart and two of the slavers are there, two men that bare their teeth in nasty grins as one of them starts to unlock the cage. The noise immediately wakes his two friends, and they both jerk against the bars, trying to press further away from the door; Fjord’s against the back of the cage, Jester tucked against him and Yasha against one of the sides, and he has a horrible feeling when they swing the door open and one of them reaches in.

“I always wanted to know if tieflings run hot everywhere,” it’s a small cage, and the thug’s hand has closed around Jester’s ankle before Fjord has processed the words, “so c’mere, sweetheart.”

Jester screams behind her gag and kicks out, and suddenly everything is in a haze of yellow.

He shifts his weight enough to kick the man squarely in the chest, shouting behind his gag, but the thug doesn’t let go as he falls back, dragging Jester closer to the door of the cage. Fjord curses all the manacles on them as he tries to curl his body over hers in the cramped space, and he watches with horror as the second man surges forward and grabs the chain between Jester’s ankles to start pulling as well.

Then Yasha acts, shouting behind her gag as she launches herself forward to knock them both back as she crashes against the entrance of the cage, and Fjord feels a surge of hope when she turns her head and he sees her eyes going black. One of the thugs let’s go, and then Jester kicks out again, with less leverage than before, but it seems to hit the man harder because he lets go, and Fjord looks down at her to see a faint green glow to her eyes.

Both men have been pushed back out through the canvas, out of the cart, but Fjord still pushes himself forward as Jester starts pulling herself back as best she can chained up, and he feels strength in his body that he never has before when he finally shoulders up against Yasha at the entrance to their cage.

“Enough!” Lorenzo barks out the order from beyond where they can see, and Fjord barely has time to steel himself against whatever the man is about to do to them before the canvas is jerked open and he’s faced with the cruel expression of their captor. He doesn’t strike out at them like Fjord expects, though, just slams the cage shut, and Fjord and Yasha get knocked back, barely catching themselves as they slam into the sides of the cage.

He locks the door again before stepping out of the cart and dropping the canvas, and as darkness settles around them again the yellow haze fades he’d been seeing everything though fades; Fjord can hear the slaver snarling at the two thugs as he walks away, “We don’t touch them until we get back. Then you can have whatever fun you want,” and his blood runs cold.

He looks over to Yasha and sees the same concern in her familiar mismatched eyes, and then they both look over to Jester together.

Her eyes are wide, no longer glowing with green but shining with tears, fear plain across her face, and Fjord feels his heart break as she draws her knees up and tries to hunch in on herself. He shuffles closer, twists around to press his back against the cage next to her and leans heavily against her side so he can offer any comfort he can.

He watches Yasha do the same, and it’s an uncomfortable squeeze for all three of them to be pressed against each other on the same wall of the cage, but Fjord doesn’t care, angles himself a little bit more in towards Jester and ducks his head down to press his forehead to the top of her head as Jester starts crying.

It’s an ugly sound, and Fjord is a little afraid she’ll choke with the gag in her mouth, but he doesn’t move as her shoulders shake. Yasha starts making sounds, low in her throat, and they come out strange but Fjord can recognize the soothing attempts behind them. Neither of them move until Jester finally stills, taking shuddering breaths behind her gag, and even then they don’t move away from, just shift to straighten up and ease up their arms against the bars of the cage.

Jester leans her head against Fjord’s shoulder as her breathing slowly calms, body slowly relaxing, and he looks over to Yasha, sees her staring back at him, and they share a nod as Jester finally falls silent between them.

They don’t go back to sleep. They stay up all night, even as Jester falls into a restless sleep where she whimpers and makes scared, hurt sounds that make Fjord want to murder every one of the bastards who have captured them, and it’s early when still when they start hearing the sounds of the camp being broken down.

Yasha wakes Jester, nudges her gently until she jerks her head off of Fjord’s shoulder and tenses up, and immediately the other woman starts trying to make the same soothing sounds from before until Jester finally relaxes between them again.

It’s a short period of waiting until the carts start to move, but they haven’t been traveling for that long when everything stops, and everything changes.

They hear their friends. There’s commotion and confusion and a brief, beautiful minute Fjord actually thinks that they’re about to be rescued.

Instead they hear someone die. He thinks it’s Mollymauk, is almost sure it is, and from the way Jester screams behind her gag and the way Yasha immediately goes limp against the bars behind her, her eyes suddenly as distant as Jester’s are anguished, they think so too.

Later Lorenzo brags about killing a purple tiefling, about making an example to a group who thought they could best the Iron Shepherds. Jester starts crying again when she hears it, and Yasha closes her eyes but tears roll down her cheeks anyway. Fjord bows his head and bites down against his gag and does not let himself cry, will not give these fucks the satisfaction of seeing him cry when they come around to feed them.

\--

They finally arrive early on the fifth day.

They’re all dragged out of the cages, shoved and marched into a large building that Fjord can barely look around at before they’re forced down a series of stairs. Slowly people are dragged away and shoved into cages, and Fjord thinks he sees Shakaste before he’s pushed forward again, and then it’s just one more woman, Yasha, Jester, and him after the last man is shoved into another cage before a hatch opens and they’re nearly dragged  down another set of stairs.

It’s a disgustingly hot, long chamber, oddly shaped, with a dangerous looking table towards the back and two cells just beyond it. The four slavers, two men and two women, drag them all forwards, not letting any of them get their feet in one spot long enough to brace themselves.

The large woman holding Jester’s arm stops by the table, and Fjord immediately jerks against the man pulling him towards one cell, shouts against his gag as he looks back and sees Jester’s eyes growing wide with fear. He can hear Yasha grunting against her gag, turns his head to see her struggling against the slaver tugging her towards the other cell, but they can’t put up enough fight to stop from being thrown into the two cells.

He falls onto his back from the force but immediately twists around, gets up to his feet and runs forward to crash into the bars of the cell, shouting behind his gag still, hears Yasha doing the same, as two of the slavers head back up the stairs and one of them returns to the woman still holding the struggling Jester.

The man backhands her, nearly knocking her off her feet, and lightning quick they’re lifting her onto the table, unlocking the manacles to chain her down onto it instead. She’s still screaming behind her gag, tail lashing as she tries to fight against their hold, but Fjord’s been watching her grow weaker over the past days, and she’s no match for the two of them. The woman snakes Jester’s tail between two of the chains just as the man takes off her gag, and Jester yelps, a high-pitched noise that’s like a knife between Fjord’s ribs.

Fjord presses his forehead against the bars, doesn’t stop staring at her, and so he misses Lorenzo coming into the chamber until he steps up to the foot of the table, a fire poker in his hand, the tip of it glowing hot. Fjord starts shouting again, pushing against the rawness of his throat, and hears Yasha doing the same, but they’re both drowned out by Jester’s scream when Lorenzo swings the poker down on one of her hands.

Lorenzo abandons the poker after a while and moves on to a cruel looking knife, and then he lets the man and woman have a turn.

Jester doesn’t stop screaming until the gag is back in her mouth. Lorenzo steps back as the two thugs come forward to start unchaining Jester; the tiefling tries to move, one hand weakly lifting, but the woman backhands her with enough force that she rolls into the man on the other side of the table. They’re quick to put the manacles back on her, and Jester stumbles as they start to drag her towards Fjord’s cell.

He to the side of the door and braces his weight, ready to throw himself at one of them as soon as the door is open, but the man pulls a dagger and holds it to Jester’s throat as the woman unlocks it, his eyes cold and his teeth bared in a cruel smile. “Try it, and I’ll fucking drain her. Back up.”

Fjord does as he’s told. The second the woman gets the door open she throws Jester in, and Fjord quickly darts in front of her so that she slams into him and he can break her fall as they go down. He hears a snap as he lands on his back, a bright flare of pain from one of his wrists underneath him, but it’s distant as he focuses on Jester and the hurt little sounds coming out of her mouth from behind the gag. There’s suddenly a scraping sound at the other end of the cell, and Fjord jerks his head up to see that the other woman had been thrown in here with him. There are tears rolling down her cheeks, but he can’t think to try and comfort her too, looks back down to Jester and tries to get them both up into a sitting position so he can rest his head against hers.

He’s so focused on Jester that he doesn’t hear the other cell door open, just looks up when he hears chains dragging against the floor to see Yasha struggling against the man and woman as they pull her over to the table. He tries to shout behind his gag, tries to get Jester behind him so she doesn’t have to look at what’s going to happen, but he can feel her tense up against his back and press her cheek against his shoulder as they watch Yasha fight hard as possible until Lorenzo steps up and punches her in the jaw.

The blow seems to stun the aasimar as she stops struggling, and Fjord watches with dread heavy in his stomach as she shakes her head and the other two slavers get her onto the table, undoing her shackles to chain her down onto the table, and they laugh as they take the gag off of her. Lorenzo walks out of view for a minute, and Fjord feels that dread grow when he comes back with another poker, glowing hot just like the previous one.

Yasha doesn’t make a sound until the end. It seems to frustrate the other two thugs; Fjord distantly notices them shifting as they wait their turns, and then he watches their faces as they torture his friend. Finally Lorenzo steps back in, tells them to get her back in her cell, and then he walks around to stand at the head of the table and ducks down by Yasha’s head. Fjord can’t hear what he says, but there’s no mistaking the sound of Yasha spitting in his face. “I’ll fucking kill you!” Her voice is rough from disuse, but it’s still strong, and Fjord feels the tiniest surge of hope that she’ll make it through this okay.

He watches her struggle even as the other two slavers get her back into her manacles, and he watches them drag her back to her cell, and he watches Lorenzo take the poker and walk back out of view to what must be a furnace.

He doesn’t have to wait long for the man and woman to return to his cell, their smiles nasty as the woman opens her mouth. “Don’t try and fuck with us. Come out here or I’ll fuck her up without even touching her.” He can tell immediately that she isn’t bluffing, that she must be some kind of magic user, and so he gently shoves Jester away as she tries to talk behind her gag, gets to his feet, and walks out of the cell on his own when they open the door.

Jester screams behind her gag as soon as they close the door behind him, and he whips around to see her getting up on unsteady legs to run across the cell and press up against the bars. He aches to reach out for her, tries to take a step towards her, but then the two grab his arms and jerk him off balance, make him stumble as they lead him towards the table. Fjord doesn’t fight as they get him up onto the table, but as soon as they unlock his hands he summons the falchion and stabs towards the man, viciously and violently gratified when it slices him across the hip under his armor and the man shouts in surprise and pain. Fjord rolls over and off the table, catches himself with one hand and swings the sword towards the woman’s legs, baring his teeth against his gag as he drags it across her calf, and he’s about to push himself up when suddenly he can’t move.

The falchion falls from his grip and disappears, and he recognizes the spell that the woman’s using on him, berates himself for not thinking she could do something like this as feet enter his field of vision and he’s jerked upright. They throw him onto the table, ugly scowls on their faces as they chain him down, and Fjord finally feels control of his body return to him as the man roughly pulls the gag down his chin to rest on his neck. Fjord decides to take a page out of Yasha’s book and spits in the man’s face, catching him squarely on the cheek, and the look of disgust on his face is well worth the backhand that catches him across the face.

“Make sure you don’t hit him in the mouth! Don’t want to knock those tusks out. Buyers like to see ’em, like to take ’em out themselves.” Fjord looks down towards his feet to lock eyes with Lorenzo; the man sneers as he says it, the cruel honesty digging into Fjord’s brain much quicker than the fist that changes angles just enough to clock him in the temple instead of the jaw. “Now, stand back. You’ll get your turn.”

Fjord bites his lip hard enough to break the skin, but he’s able to keep himself from yelling when Lorenzo presses the burning hot poker against the sensitive skin at the back of his hand.

He thinks it’s worse that he can hear Jester and Yasha’s respective muffled screams and shouts.

He stays quiet for the duration that Lorenzo uses the poker, but once the man starts working on him with the knife Fjord can’t hold back his shouts of pain, and when the other man and woman finally get their turn they make sure he makes noise.

When it’s finally over Fjord feels like he can’t breathe, is sure that he’s got broken ribs as he gasps for air, and he can barely struggle against the slavers as they unchain him and lock the manacles back onto him before they drag him back to his cell and throw him in. He stumbles and falls to his knees, unable to keep himself up, and immediately Jester is on her knees in front of him, face and gag wet from the tears still rolling down her cheeks as she tries to talk to him.

Fjord can barely focus on her through the pain, but he still shuffles closer to tuck her head under his chin, mindful of her horns but still wanting to offer what little comfort he can as her shoulders shake and shake.

He doesn’t know if he’d rather be in here with her or alone like Yasha. He can’t decide which is worse, not being able to see how his friends are or having to be the one to comfort someone when all he wants to do let himself go unconscious so he doesn’t have to deal with this nightmare for at least a little while.

When Jester finally goes quiet and pulls away Fjord shuffles over towards the back wall of the cell, grinding his teeth against the gag so as not to make a sound as the various wounds flare with pain while he shifts to sit with his back to the wall. Jester follows him, pressing their sides together, and when he looks out into the chamber there’s no longer anyone visible; either they’ve left them for a time or they’re in the front parts of the room that are blocked from view. He hopes they’ve left them alone for a time being, but he knows that they’ll be back sooner or later.

It’s just a waiting game at this point, and that might be the worst thing of all.

Lorenzo comes back with two different men after a while, and this time they start with Yasha and then move onto Fjord. By the time he is able to break through the haze of pain clouding his head, he's back in the cell with Jester unconscious and freshly bleeding against his shoulder, the other woman still curled in the corner, and Fjord is alone with his thoughts.

Fjord is worried out of his fucking mind. They’ve been separated, Yasha in the separate cell, and they have no fucking escape plan, because even when their gags were out of their mouths for the little food and water they’re given there have always been at least two of these slavers watching them with dark grins and dead eyes that just dare them to try something.

They have no escape plan, because the slavers have tried their best to beat the will to escape out of them throughout just this one day, and Fjord doesn’t know how long they’re going to keep them for, but he has a sense that this is just the start. There are new wounds on all of them that are going to scar, dried blood on their skin and clothes, and Fjord hears Jester’s screams in the silence of their cell, sees Yasha’s mouth bloody where she’s bitten her lips and tongue to keep herself silence when he closes his eyes, has felt the determination to fight back slowly drain from his body.

Fjord has been trying to bargain with the entity in his dreams the past week, has been pleading and begging and bargaining with everything in him, but it’s been five days and he’s gotten no answer, no clues or hints and opportunities to take. He’s sure Yasha and Jester have both been praying, and he knows their gods are much more benevolent than whatever creature saved his life, but he doesn’t know how much faith he’s willing to put in their deities, because Yasha is still lost to them and Jester is losing herself and Fjord is losing his mind.

Towards the end of the night he’s almost glad that they’ve barely been able to talk to each other. He’s afraid that he wouldn’t be able to put up a brave front for his friends, afraid that Yasha wouldn’t even be responsive to them, afraid that Jester has given up faith in their friends and the Traveler.

Lorenzo comes to them either very late in the night or very early in the morning, cruelty etched into every plane of his face as he turns his head to grin smugly at them between the two cells. Fjord tenses up, waits to see which of them he’s coming for and tries to edge in front of Jester when the man looks over to Yasha’s cell briefly. The tiefling makes a quiet sound in her throat and presses against him, tail winding around his waist.

“Your friends are upstairs right now,” and Fjord fills his heart swell with hope even as he tries to tell himself that they shouldn’t have put themselves in that much danger again, “and I’m going to kill them, just like I killed the purple one.” Lorenzo’s face is cruel, twisted, as he walks over to Yasha’s cell, and Jester tenses up even more against Fjord as he feels his blood run cold.

Another thug comes down the stairs as they listen to Lorenzo unlock the other cell, and his mouth is twisted in what looks like slight frustration. Fjord feels that hope get a little stronger before there’s the sound of something being slammed against a wall from the other cell, and at Lorenzo’s dark chuckle Jester shouts behind her gag and dread fills the aching hollow in Fjord’s chest. There’s the sound of the lock being closed again before the man comes back into view, and he walks over to the other thug for a moment. Fjord strains to hear what they say but their voices are too low, and after a brief exchange the other man leaves before Lorenzo turns to walk towards their cell.

“I almost want to let you stay awake to watch this slaughter,” he unlocks their cell quickly, a snarl of a smile on his face as he enters, “but I don’t want you making any sound.” Fjord immediately tries to push himself in front of Jester, a growl building in his throat, but Lorenzo just laughs, and the last thing Fjord sees is a boot flying towards his face.

\--

Fjord wakes up with a start, unbound and ungagged and in a bed, and he sits up and looks wildly around the unfamiliar room to see Caleb sitting across the room from him. The other man is staring down at a book intently, and the sight is so achingly familiar that Fjord says a prayer to every god out there for this to not be a dream.

“Caleb?” His voice sounds awful, cracked and broken from disuse and shouting, but the response is instantaneous-Caleb drops the book and shoots up from the bed, grabbing a waterskin from next to him and quickly walking over to Fjord with concern plain across his face.

“Fjord! _Schei_ _ß_ _e_ , I did not expect you to wake so soon.” He reaches out haltingly and places a careful hand on Fjord’s shoulder, offering the waterskin with the other hand, and the gentle touch is so foreign from what he’s been experiencing that he has to swallow around a lump in his throat. “Drink slowly,” his voice is soft as Fjord takes the pouch and tips his head back to take a sip, and he forces himself to listen, takes only small sips, “Caduceus healed the three of you as much as he could, and we had a couple healing potions, but do you need any more? Are you hurting?” Fjord considers lying, but his friend’s eyes are burning bright, like he’s seeing straight into him.

“Yeah, I’m hurting, but nowhere near as bad as yesterday, that’s for sure.” Caleb nods and seems to relax slightly, relief flashing across his face, and Fjord closes his briefly while he rolls out his neck slowly, setting the water skin down next to him and trying to untangle the thoughts racing in his head before he opens his eyes wide and tries to stand up out of the bed.

“Woah, easy, you should not move too fast!” Caleb catches him when he stumbles, eases him back down onto the bed when Fjord’s legs nearly give out. Fjord grabs at the man’s arms, panic and fear coursing through his body as he spits out his question.

“Where are Jester and Yasha?” He feels his heart beating throughout his body, hard and fast as he curls his hands into fists in Caleb’s coatsleeves, staring intently at the man leaned down towards him.

“They are here, Fjord, they’re safe. We got all of you. They are with Nott in another room, probably still asleep, like you should be.” Fjord sags in relief as Caleb tells him, lets his head hang down as he closes his eyes and takes deep, slow breaths to calm himself down. When he finally raises his head Caleb looks awkward but determined, and Fjord immediately realizes that he’s still holding on, quickly lets go so his friend can straighten up.

“Sorry.” The other man shakes his head and waves his hand, and Fjord nods at him, tries to stand more slowly this time. His knees nearly buckle but he catches himself this time, even as Caleb hovers at his side, hands outstretched like he’s prepared to take his weight again. “I want to see them.”

“Okay.” Caleb nods and heads towards the door, opening it and then waiting with a patient look on his face as Fjord slowly makes his way to him. He leads Fjord out into the hall to the door across from them before pulling out his copper wire and whispering something into it. He tucks it away and looks over his shoulder at Fjord, his eyes sad as they lock gazes.

“They don’t look very good.” His voice is soft, a warning for Fjord to brace himself against, and the half-orc takes a deep breath and rolls his shoulders back before nodding.

“Yeah, I know. I saw them. I’m sure I look like shit, too.” He says it bluntly, sees Caleb’s eyes get even sadder before the door opens in front of them and a little blur comes darting out and slams into his legs.

“Fjord! Oh you’re awake, you’re alright, I’m so glad!” Nott’s voice is quiet but it still reaches his ears, and Fjord reaches down to rest his hand on her head as she grins up at him with her jagged teeth.

“Yeah, Nott, I’m alright.” The goblin nods and squeezes his legs tightly before stepping back and raising a finger to her lips, expression suddenly turning fierce as she looks up at them both.

“Good, but you better be quiet. They’re not awake yet, and I don’t want them to be. They need their sleep.” Fjord nods immediately and holds himself very still, waits for Caleb and Nott to finish exchanging a glance before they part to stand on either side of the doorway. He moves as quickly and quietly as he can to enter the room, holding his breath as he looks in on his friends.

They’re both lying on top of the blankets, wearing just their torn clothes, and Fjord can see the marks that are going to scar and bruises still dark on their skin, but there’s no blood and neither of them are making any sounds, bodies still and heavy against the beds, and Fjord sags in relief against the doorjamb.

He watches them breathe for several long minutes before finally straightening up and turning around to see Caleb crouched down as he and Nott have a quiet conversation. They stop talking as Fjord steps closer to them, and Caleb stands back up and nods at him before Nott reaches up to catch one of his hands, tugging gently to get his attention.

“I’m going to keep waiting with them until they wake up. You should go get some more rest.” Her voice is soft and her hands are warm against his, and Fjord has to swallow around another lump in his throat as he nods down at her. Nott smiles again, sharp teeth a soothing sight before she silently darts around him and slips back into the room, quietly shutting the door.

“Where’s Beau?” He feels slightly anxious as he asks it, unsettled after not having seen her, but the only emotion that flashes across Caleb’s face is slight annoyance, and Fjord is instantly hit with another wave of relief before the man even opens his mouth.

“She’s with Keg. They, ah, decided to blow off some steam together.” He says it awkwardly but fondly, and Fjord nods like he didn’t understand only half of that statement. He coughs and rolls his shoulders again, his body starting to protest against still being upright, and glances down at his hands as consciously holds himself still so he doesn’t sway in place.

“I don’t think I can go back to sleep, man. I got a lot of questions.” He looks back up at Caleb as he says it, and the human nods, expression evening out.

“Ja, I understand. You need to eat, though, so I’m going to get you some food, and then I will answer your questions.” He says it firmly, not leaving room for argument, and it’s only been five days but there’s still a strength in him that Fjord doesn’t remember from before.

“Okay. I’ll wait in the room, then.” Caleb nods again and turns to walk down the hall towards the stairs, and Fjord crosses back to their room, gets in quickly and shuts the door securely behind him, leaning against it heavily for a moment before pushing himself upright again. He barely makes it the bed before collapsing, every muscle screaming at him; he shifts to sit on the edge, braces his forearms on his thighs and lets his head hang down between his shoulders, and forces himself to take slow, even breaths.

That’s how Caleb finds him. Fjord hears the doorknob start to turn and his heart speeds back up but he forces himself to stay still, reminding himself that he’s safe again. He looks up to see the human coming into the room holding a tray, and it’s simple tavern food but suddenly Fjord is hit with how ravenously hungry he is.

“Eat slowly, okay? Trust me, you will make yourself sick. And drink some more water.” Fjord takes the tray from him and forces himself to listen again, eating the bread and meat slowly, taking small sips of water between bites. When he finally sets the tray aside and looks up he sees Caleb watching him intently, eyes tracking every movement, and he recognizes the concern in the human’s eyes.

“You ready to answer my questions?” Fjord sees several emotions flash across Caleb’s face, worry and fear and sorrow, but then his shoulders drop and exhaustion overtakes his features as he nods.

“Yes. I will answer as many as I can.” Fjord nods and swallows around the fear that creeps into his heart as he takes a deep breath and asks his first question.

“Is Mollymauk dead?” Sorrow blooms across Caleb’s face, and it’s all the answer Fjord needs. He takes a deep breath and shoves down the grief that threatens to overtake him, nodding and bracing his arms against his thighs again to stare at his hands.

“Yes.” Neither of them say anything else for several minutes, pretending they don’t hear each other’s breathing get ragged; Fjord recognizes the sounds of someone trying not to cry, because he’s making the same sounds, but eventually they both fall silent, and Fjord raises his head to see Caleb’s eyes red but dry.

“Okay. Did you burn him or bury him?” The question feels wrong but he has to ask, has to know where his friend is. Caleb flinches and looks devastated at the question, but Fjord refuses to feel bad for the question even as the human’s eyes go distant.

“We buried him, about two days travel from here. Under his coat.” Fjord nods and clears his throat, waits for Caleb’s eyes to focus on him again before pushing on.

“Who are Keg and Caduceus?” Caleb’s mouth quirks into a ghost of a smile at the mention of the two, and Fjord raises his eyebrows, surprised to see the expression on his face.

“Keg gave us information on the Iron Shepherds. She used to work with them, and we met her the morning after you were taken. She led us to them, and fought with us against them, and then offered herself in sacrifice after Mollymauk was killed so Lorenzo wouldn’t kill Beau, too. And then she led us here, and helped us kill every last one of those motherfuckers.” He says it bluntly, plainly, no stuttering or stammering, and Fjord feels a conflict of emotion, glad that his friends found such an ally but still tormented by the fact that it led to one of them being killed.

“And Caduceus?” Caleb’s mouth twitches into an almost smile again at the name, and Fjord prepares himself for another strange circumstance.

“He is a firbolg, a cleric, who lives in a graveyard. We went and found him, and he agreed to help us, and he came to that house with us and fought with us. He saved both Beau and Shakaste, and then he healed me and the three of you once we got back here.” Fjord can only nod, the story stranger than he had expected, and Caleb huffs out a brief laugh at whatever expression is on his face.

“Where is here, anyway?” Caleb straightens up slightly as any trace of smile falls from his face, and Fjord shifts slightly but stays in the same position, unable to move much at the moment.

“Shady Creek Run. Right where The Gentleman was sending us.” Fjord nods and looks towards the window, sees weak gray light coming in through the shutters before looking back at his friend.

“What happened?” Caleb tells him everything, eyes sharp and voice steady as he tells Fjord about the first fight against the Iron Shepherds, about meeting Nila, about Ophelia Mardun and finding Caduceus, about infiltrating the Sour Nest and fighting their way through it until they had killed everyone, about Caleb being the one to finally kill the monster Lorenzo turned out to be, about bringing them back and going to see Ophelia again and then coming back to sleep and wait.

Fjord doesn’t say anything when he finally falls silent, just sits in the quiet of the room and tries to process everything as he stares at his friend.

They both jump up at the sound of screaming coming from across the hall. Caleb barely beats Fjord to the door, and they race across the hallway to where the screaming has been joined by shouting. Out of the corner of his eye he sees Beau come barreling out of another door, and then Caleb flings the door to Nott’s room open.

“You’re safe! You’re safe! Jester, it’s Nott, you’re safe!” The goblin is shouting frantically from near the door, keeping her distance as Jester screams and thrashes on the bed. Fjord pushes past Caleb immediately and near runs across the room to the bed, sees Yasha stumbling out of the other bed to make her way to meet him, and then he sits on the edge of the bed and grabs Jester’s arms to hold her still.

“Jester! Jester! Wake up, you’re safe, just wake up!” The screaming stops as she suddenly lurches forward, and Fjord barely pulls back in time to stop her from headbutting him. Her eyes are wide and her chest is heaving, but the second she sees him she bursts into tears and collapses against his chest.

“Please-please tell me this isn’t, isn’t a dream” She chokes out the words through her sobs, and Fjord shifts further onto the bed, holding her close and making room for Yasha to press up against her other side.

“It isn’t a dream, Jester. We’re safe now.” Yasha’s voice is as broken as theirs but she still says it firmly, and just like that Jester starts crying even harder, one hand curling into a fist in Fjord’s shirt and the other reaching out to grab Yasha’s arm.

“She’s right, Jess. We’re safe now. I promise.” Fjord holds her tightly and looks at Yasha over Jester’s head, watches as her eyes grow damp but she doesn’t let the tears fall, and then he looks past her to see their other friends all clustered at the door.

Nott looks distressed, knuckles pale where she clutches her hands together in front of her chest, and Beau is gripping Caleb’s shoulder tightly with one hand, her mouth a thin line and her eyes angry, and Caleb looks haunted, his eyes tracking the three of them on the bed like he’s making sure they don’t disappear. Behind them is a tall firbolg with pink hair and a kind face and sad eyes, and Fjord’s heart breaks because there should be a bright purple man in his place.

Fjord holds Jester and watches his other friends, and he doesn’t think anything is ever going to be the same.

\--

Fjord keeps holding Jester until she finally falls quiet against him, and then he keeps holding her when their other friends finally pile into the room and squeeze together on the bed, leaving the chair for the firbolg Fjord assumes is Caduceus, and he holds Jester as together they tell her and Yasha everything that Caleb had told Fjord.

Jester starts crying again when they talk about Molly dying, but she’s silent this time; Fjord only knows because her shoulders start shaking every so slightly between him and Yasha, and he just tucks her further under his arm and tries to hold on as tight as possible while their friends push on in the story.

Nott and Caleb add more details to help put together the last parts of the puzzle for Fjord, and Caduceus speaks up once or twice to bring another element to their attention, but finally they all fall quiet, and a heavy silence overtakes the room.

“I want to see his grave.” Yasha’s voice cracks as she says it, and Nott immediately jumps off the bed and runs over to her bag, digging out a waterskin and darting over to them to hold it up to the assimar. Yasha takes it and sips slowly before offering it to Jester, and the tiefling takes it quickly but listens when the other woman to be careful when she drinks.

“We’ll take you. As soon as you all feel ready, we can get out of this fucking town and go.” Beau sounds pained as she says it but her expression is determined, and Jester immediately lowers the waterskin from her lips, finally looking up at everyone else in the room.

“I want to go now. I don’t want to be here anymore.” Nott makes a soft sound from next to the bed and reaches out for Jester’s ankle, but she immediately jumps back when Jester flinches away from the touch; the goblin’s eyes are wide and tormented as the tiefling trembles between Fjord and Yasha.

“With all respect, I don’t think that’s a very good idea. None of you are quite healed up enough for that. You need more rest.” Caduceus says it slowly and gently, but Fjord still feels Jester stiffen up against his side.

“Then I’ll heal us! I don’t want to stay here for any longer!” She says it sharply, her voice brittle like glass, and Yasha immediately makes a soothing sound and takes one of her hands. Jester immediately wilts at the touch, shoulders hunching in as she stares down at her lap. “Please. I want to go.”

“Okay. Just let Mr. Clay heal you up a little more while the rest of us pack, and then we can go.” Nott’s voice is small, and Fjord looks over to see her twisting her hands in front of her chest again. Beau makes a sound, like she wants to disagree, but Fjord watches Nott whip her head around to glare at the three on the other side of the room.

“I can heal us, Mr. Clay does not need to. But yes, packing is a good idea.” Jester’s voice cracks again, and Fjord can hear her swallow painfully as she straightens up between him and Yasha. He watches intently as Beau breaks, her shoulders falling and her expression shifting to defeat.

“Okay, I’ll go get my stuff together. Um, we got your armor and shield and hand ax in the haversack, Jester. Caleb’s got that. And Fjord and Yasha, we found your armor and sword back at the house. It’s all in here and in Caleb’s room. If you want any of it right now.” Beau says it quietly, eyes darting around the three of them before she heads out of the room, Caduceus following slowly behind her. Nott immediately busies herself in the corner of the room where her pack is as Caleb walks to the door.

“I can bring the haversack back for you, Jester, and then I’ll pack away my things.” Jester doesn’t say anything but nods at him, and the human sighs before slipping out the door. Jester takes a deep breath before putting one hand on both Yasha and Fjord, and he can’t help his sigh of relief as she says a healing spell and the warm magic courses through his body. She says one more spell before taking her hands off of them and pressing them to her own chest, murmuring another spell as her hands glow before she sags into Yasha, her expression clearing somewhat as Fjord watches.

Caleb brings the haversack in and sets it down quietly near them before backing out of the room, nodding to Fjord once before closing the door, and the half-orc squeezes Jester carefully before sliding off the bed.

“I’m gonna go get my armor from the room, and then I’ll be ready to go. You okay if I leave?” He looks at both of them as he asks it, and both of them nod as they slowly stand as well. He reaches out carefully to squeeze Jester’s shoulder, relieved when she doesn’t shy away from the touch, and then nods at Yasha before heading out and over to Caleb’s room.

The man says nothing when Fjord comes in, just nods his head towards the bed where he’s piled the armor. Fjord puts it on slowly, some aches still making themselves present, but he feels all the better for having it on once every piece is in place. Him and Caleb head downstairs in silence to find Caduceus alone at a table sitting alone at a table, and the man smiles at them and sips from a mug before setting it down.

“I guess Keg told Beauregard somewhere to find a few more horses before she left this morning, so that’s where she is. She said it shouldn’t take long, though.” Caduceus says is slowly, easily, but Fjord still feels a knot of dread settle in his stomach at the thought of Beau out in this town on her own.

Caleb doesn’t seem perturbed, though, just sits down next to Caduceus, but Fjord stays standing, walks around the table to lean against the wall where he can watch both the door and the stairs.

Sharp relief sinks into this bones when Beau comes through the door at the same time he hears three sets of footsteps coming down the stairs, and as they all converge on the table Fjord tries to tell himself that they just need to get out of this godforsaken town, and then maybe they can start to heal.

\--

The two days travel that Caleb had said turns out to be three, because Yasha, Jester, and Fjord can’t travel quickly, even steadying each other out as they share horses, and so they don’t arrive to the gravesite until the afternoon of the third day.

Everyone keeps their hoods up as Caleb pays their way through the gates to get out of the area and back into the Empire, and Fjord is distantly impressed at how easy it is for the human to disguise himself and speak to the guards, how he doesn’t flinch but gets them all through based on talking and a little bit of money.

Jester wakes everyone up with her screams the two nights before they get there. Fjord and Yasha are the only ones she lets touch her when she wakes.

When Fjord does sleep it’s restless, and from the growing circles under Yasha’s dark eye makeup he can tell that it’s the same for her.

The morning of the third day it starts snowing as Beau tells them that they’ll make it to Molly’s grave before nightfall, and Fjord loses the little appetite he had, sets his food down and turns to see how Yasha and Jester react to the information. Yasha’s face is blank, carefully so, but he can see the tightness of her mouth and the storm in her eyes; Jester’s face is the opposite, an open book of distress and grief, and Fjord’s not sure which one of their expressions slams into him harder.

None of them finish their breakfast except for Caduceus, and they’re all silent as they pack up camp and get onto their horses to head out.

No one talks as they push through the day, and the silence frays at Fjord’s nerves, sets him on edge as he keeps guiding his and Jester’s horse to follow Caleb and Nott’s. When they finally stop he feels like throwing up, dismounts on unsteady feet and helps Jester down, catching her quickly when she stumbles into him. No one breaks the silence until everyone is standing by their horses and Beau takes a deep breath.

“C’mon, it’s just up this way.” She leads them further towards the trees, and Fjord immediately sees where they’re headed, sees the coat hanging limp over a slight mound of dirt, but it’s not until he’s standing right next to it that he’s able to process that Mollymauk is under it.

Jester collapses to her knees before Fjord can catch her, and she buries her fingers in the dirt and starts to sob. She’s trying to speak, too, and so Fjord crouches down next to her, rests a hand between her shoulder blades and leans in close, and his heart breaks clean open when he makes out the words.

“I’m sorry, I should have been there, I should have saved you, Molly, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry,” and she keeps choking out the words even through her tears. Yasha drops to her knees of Jester’s other side, buries both of her hands in the soil as well, and she screams.

It’s a terrible sound, full of pain and anguish and everything she had endured while captured. Yasha screams, and Jester begs for forgiveness, and Fjord breaks, breaks like Lorenzo had wanted him to, copies his friends and sinks his fingers into the snow-dusted dirt and lets the tears come.

Eventually his tears dry up, and Jester’s pleading stops, and Yasha’s scream dies out, and then the three of them are just left looking at a grave as their breath forms clouds in front of them.

Yasha is the first to stand, her knees cracking as she straightens up, and Fjord raises his head to watch her take the coat from the stick and carefully fold it over her arm. She turns back to them, looking at their friends standing behind Jester and Fjord, and when she speaks her voice sounds like she’s swallowed rocks.

“I have to go.” There’s a finality to her words that sends fear racing through Fjord’s body, and Jester makes a hurt sound next to him that makes Yasha look down at them. Her face softens as she glances between them, and then she nods once and turns to start walking into the forest.

“Will you-will you come back?” Beau calls it out at Yasha’s back, anxiety obvious in her voice, and the aasimar doesn’t stop walking, but Fjord breathes a little easier as her voice floats back to them.

“Yes.” Fjord watches her disappear into the forest, watches until she’s gone, and only then does he stand, catching himself when his knees buckle against the branch at the head of Molly’s grave, and then he offers a hand down to Jester. She takes it and pulls herself up, stumbling into him before stepping back, and she looks as much of a mess as he feels, her eyes puffy and tear tracks dried on her cheeks and snot shiny around her nose. She immediately brings a sleeve up to start wiping at her face, and Fjord does the same with his glove before finally looking back at their friends.

Caleb’s eyes are red, as are Nott’s, and Beau looks gutted as she stares past them into the forest. Caduceus is further back, watching them silently with a sad expression on his face, and Fjord doesn’t know how they’re going to come back from this.

“Let’s go. We can get a little further before we have to set up camp.” Caleb’s the first to speak, his voice as dry as the air around them, and Beau nods, Nott humming agreement, but none of them move until Jester takes a deep breath and finally looks up.

“Okay.” Her voice is as wrecked as Yasha’s had been, and Fjord doesn’t say anything but follows her when she starts walking back towards the horses.

Nott and Caleb each get their own horse with Yasha gone, and they set out for two more hours travel before stopping to set up camp for the night. Beau insists that Jester and Fjord don’t take watch, Nott and Caduceus backing her quickly, and so Fjord reluctantly agrees, eats a small amount of food and crawls into the tent with Jester.

She cries herself to sleep in his arms, but she does not wake up screaming at any point.

Fjord sleeps through most of the night, physically drained from all the crying, and he wakes up to Jester gently shaking him, a smile on her face when he opens up his eyes.

“Fjord, time to get up! We’ve got to get back to Zadash to tell The Gentleman that we completed his jobs and get paid.” Her voice is still weak but she’s putting on a good front, the smile on her face almost convincing, but Fjord knows about coping mechanisms, and so he doesn’t say anything about that.

“Okay, Jess, I’m up. Let’s eat and break down camp, then.” She forces her smile even wider before slipping out of the tent, and Fjord is left to stare at his hands for a long moment as he sits there.

He doesn’t think they’re going to be okay.

\--

Yasha comes back after a month. She finds them in a small town towards the southern end of the empire, just outside of the mountains they’re going to have to travel through to get to the Menagerie Coast. They’re eating dinner in a tavern, Jester talking to Caduceus while Caleb reads a book, Beau and Nott and Fjord making small conversation about their travels between eating their food, when suddenly Jester shrieks and bolts out of her seat towards the door. Fjord feels his blood run cold and is halfway to summoning his falchion as he stands to follow her, but then he hears the word she shrieks.

“Yasha!” Jester slams into the aasimar, just inside the door, and Fjord feels relief wash over him as a genuine smile takes over his face. Yasha wraps back around Jester and ducks down towards her, and Fjord looks back down at their table to see Nott’s eyes crinkled in a smile, sees Caleb looking as relieved as he feels, sees Caduceus’s slow smile over take his face, sees Beau staring hungrily at Yasha like she hasn’t seen her in months. When he looks back up Jester has finally let go and is leading their friend back to their table, and Fjord immediately pushes his chair further against Jester’s empty one to drag another one over between himself and Beau.

“You’re back.” Beau blurts it out before Yasha has even sat down, and Fjord looks over to see her cheeks get even darker, but the human doesn’t look away as Yasha slowly sinks down into the chair between them.

“I told you I would be.” Her voice is patient, understanding, and Fjord looks back to see a small smile on her face, and Fjord feels another surge of relief to see Yasha alive, even if she doesn’t look fully healed yet. She sets down a pack between their seats and reaches into it before pulling out Mollymauk’s folded up coat and offering it to Beau. Fjord hears a soft inhale from Jester to his left, hears Nott cut herself off from what she’d been saying to Caleb, and watches Beau’s face go blank.

“What.” It’s not a question, her voice flat, but Yasha doesn’t drop her hand, keeps holding out the coat with a gentle look to her face.

“Here. He wants you to have it.” The words send a shock through Fjord’s body, and suddenly there are claws digging into his arm where Jester grabs him, but he can’t look away from the two women in front of him.

“How can he want anything? He’s dead.” Beau spits it out at Yasha, vicious and angry, and still she does not flinch or look away, just slowly reaches forward to set the coat in Beau’s lap.

“Yes, he is.” She stands, then, and walks over to the bar, and Fjord looks back over to see Beau staring down at the coat in her lap, tears pooling in her eyes as she struggles to keep holding onto the anger in an expression that Fjord is uncomfortably familiar with.

Yasha comes back just as Beau abruptly stands, knocking her chair back as she clutches the coat to her chest, and she keeps her head bowed as she turns to head for the stairs. She murmurs something to Yasha as she passes her that Fjord doesn’t hear, but his friend sits back down next to him the ghost of a smile on her face.

“Are you here to stay?” Nott’s voice is small, and Fjord looks over to see her staring at Yasha with wide eyes, looking like she thinks the woman might disappear in front of her.

“Yes. For as long as I can. Where are we going?” There is nothing but honesty in her voice, and Fjord grins down at his food as Jester finally lets go of his arm to clap her hands.

“We’re going to the Menagerie Coast! First to Port Damali, and then on to Nicodranas!” Yasha nods and smiles at Jester, tucking her hair behind her ear in a way that highlights just how thin her face has gotten since he’s last seen her.

“I would like that. I’ve never seen the ocean before.” She offers another small smile to Jester as she says it, but he watches her eyes grow sharp and her hand twitch when the barmaid comes up behind her and suddenly sets down a plate and mug in front of her.

“I never have, either. And this is my first time seeing mountains.” Caduceus says it with a smile and a little bit of wonder in his voice, and Fjord can sense Jester latch onto it as she starts telling him everything he’s going to like about traveling to the ocean.

“She’s lost weight.” Yasha says it quietly, just to him, and Fjord nods and looks her over again, clocking the smaller muscles and thinner frame before meeting her eyes again and raising an eyebrow.

“So have you.” He doesn’t mean it to sound as accusing as it comes out, grimaces a little and opens his mouth to apologize, but Yasha just nods in agreement.

“Yes. But not as much as her.” Fjord looks over at Jester as she says it, sees the same thing he’s been watching slowly happen, sees the sharp angles where there was once soft curves and rolls, sees the clothing hanging loose, sees the unkempt curls hanging loose around a thin face where there used to be round cheeks always dimpled by a smile.

“No, not as much as her.” He agrees with Yasha as he turns his head back towards her, meets her sad gaze with one of his own and shrugs a shoulder helplessly. “She eats just enough to get by, and that’s it. Nott and Beau keep trying, but she won’t. Says she can’t keep it down.” Yasha nods, eyes still sad as she looks over his shoulder at Jester.

“How are you two doing,” she looks back at him, mismatched eyes staring into his soul, “how are you honestly doing? Are you coping?”

“Define coping.” It falls flat as he says it, and Yasha just raises an eyebrow, patiently waiting him out. Fjord checks quickly around the table to make sure that no one else is listening to them before meeting her gaze again. “She’s finally letting everyone else touch her. She still shies away from strangers, flinches if someone moves too quickly towards her, but there’s still some progress. And she doesn’t wake up screaming anymore.” Yasha nods slowly and looks down at her food, takes a bite of bread before raising her head again.

“But?” Her voice is knowing, and Fjord isn’t surprised that she was able to hear everything he wasn’t saying.

“She’s trying to pretend she’s okay. She won’t talk about it with anyone, not even me, and every day she pastes on a smile that doesn’t reach her eyes and talks in circles about nothing important.” Yasha frowns and nods, takes another bite of bread and doesn’t say anything, leaving the silence for Fjord to fill. “And she’s trying so hard to be who she used to be, Yasha, but I think she’s trying to be even more than that, and I can’t figure out why. She won’t give me an honest answer when I ask, just deflects and changes the subject.”

“So she’s not doing so good.” Yasha looks past him as she says it, eyes moving quickly as she looks Jester over before staring back at him. “And you?”

“I’m, uh, I’m doing okay. Not great, by any means. But better, I guess.” Yasha doesn’t seem satisfied with his answer, raises an eyebrow again and levels him with an unimpressed glance, and Fjord grimaces and ducks his head. “It’s fucking hard, Yasha. I’m trying to pretend that I’m still the same, too, but I’m not so good at charming strangers anymore. And I’m short-tempered with our friends and look for violent solutions to problems before I look for peaceful ones.”

“I understand.” Her voice is quiet but heavy with unspoken words, and Fjord can read in her face how long it’s been since she saw another creature she could speak with, since she shared a space with someone who cared, since she let someone lay gentle hands on her. He glances down at her hands to see that her knuckles are raw and scabbing over, and he looks back up to see a storm in her eyes. “I don’t think I’m okay, either.”

“I don’t know when we will be.” They lapse into silence, then, Fjord settling back into his chair and tuning back in to what Jester is saying as he lets Yasha eat her food. Jester is talking about swimming in the ocean, telling Caduceus about ducking under waves as Caleb watches with a small smile and Nott wrinkles her nose at the mention of swimming.

Yasha is the first to stand, resting a hand briefly on Fjord’s shoulder and then reaching around him to squeeze Jester’s before she steps back. “I’m going to share Beau’s room. Good night.” She says it casually and then turns to head upstairs, and Fjord watches her go before looking back to the rest of the table.

“Do you think they’re finally going to, you know?” Nott takes a swig of her flask after she asks it, swaying a little in her seat before stilling, and Fjord just rolls his eyes, opens his mouth to tell her that he doubts it, but then he’s cut off by a sharp voice.

“Not everything is about sex, Nott.” Fjord sees Nott blink in surprise, sees Caleb’s startled face, and then looks down to see Jester tense in the chair next to him. “They’re just going to talk about Molly.” She stands suddenly and spins around to push her chair in, and Fjord notices that her knuckles are pale as she grips the back of it tightly. “I’m tired. See you in the morning.”

The table is silent as they watch her go, and when Fjord turns back around he sees Nott staring at her flask, her knuckles white where she’s gripping it tightly and her shoulders hunched in.

“I just thought she’d make a joke and we could laugh like we used to. I didn’t mean it.” Her voice is small, sorry, and Fjord aches for her, makes a soothing sound low in his throat as he watches Caleb rest a hand on her upper back.

“She went through something hard. That can change people, Nott.” Caduceus says it gently, thoughtfully, and Nott nods but her face doesn’t lose its miserable expression.

“She ain’t mad, Nott. I think sex just might be a difficult topic for her right now, that’s all.” Fjord wants to make his friend feel better, but he also knows that what nearly happened to Jester is not his story to tell, and so he stands and reaches across to rub her head gently before straightening up. “I’ll go up and talk to her, okay? And then she’ll be feeling better in the morning.”

“Okay. I think I’d like to go to bed now, too.” Nott slides out of her chair as she says it, and Caleb and Caduceus stand as well, following her and Fjord as they walk upstairs. He murmurs good night as he stops at his door, and then he opens it slowly, quietly, not expecting Jester to already be asleep but not wanting to startle her either.

She’s sitting on one of the beds, knees drawn up to her chest and nightgown pulled down over them, arms wrapped around her shins and her chin resting on her knees as she stares at the lantern on the small table between the beds, not appearing to have noticed him at all, and Fjord aches at the blatant war of emotions across her face.

“Jess?” He says it softly as he closes the door, but her only response is to blink, and so he tries again, “Jester? You okay?” She makes a soft sound, then, and looks up at him slowly; Fjord doesn’t know what to do with how distant her eyes are, knows that she’s seeing something very far away and can only assume that it’s something that happened while they were captured.

“Yeah, I’m okay.” She tries to smile as she says it, but it comes out to more of a grimace, and as Fjord slowly walks over to her she lets it fall away.

“You sure? Cause Nott thinks you’re mad at her.” Jester immediately sits up straighter, looking distressed as she drops her feet to the ground and braces her hands on the bed like she’s going to stand up.

“I’m not! I swear!” Fjord closes the distance between them and rests his hand on one of her shoulders, applying gentle pressure to keep her sitting down.

“I know you aren’t. And I told her that, too. But you can let her know in the morning, okay? We should all get some sleep if we’re heading out early in the morning.” The distressed expression doesn’t fade but Jester still nods agreement, and Fjord tries to smile at her before stepping away. She grabs his hand quickly as he takes it away, and there’s panic in her eyes as she stares up at him.

“Wait! Will you, um,” and she drops her head suddenly, doesn’t let go of his wrist but stares down at her lap, “will you sit with me? Just for a little bit?” There’s shame in her voice, and Fjord can see her cheeks flushing a dark blue behind her hair where it hangs down. He crouches down immediately, twists his hand around to squeeze one of hers and tucks the other under her chin to gently raise her head until she’s looking at him.

“Of course I will, Jess. Anytime you want me to. And if you want, I’m sure Yasha will tomorrow night, too.” Relief drowns out the shame on her face, and Fjord has to smile at that, squeezes her hand again and keeps his voice gentle. “I’m just going to take off my armor and boots, and then I’ll come sit with you, okay? Just going to put ‘em by my bed.” He waits to stand until she nods and smiles back at him, a surprisingly shy quirk of her lips, and she lets go of his hand when he pulls away and steps over to the other bed.

He strips his armor off quickly, setting it down carefully at the foot of the bed along with his boots, and when he looks back to Jester she’s shifted to sit against the headboard, hands in her lap as she stares at them. He crosses back over to her quickly, sits down on the bed and leans against the headboard next to her, and he smiles down at her when she looks up at her.

“You want to talk about anything?” He says it softly, just into the space between them, and her lips part slightly; for a moment he thinks she’s finally going to talk to him about what they went through, but then her eyes shutter and she pastes on a smile, and Fjord has to force himself to smile back.

“What are you most looking forward to seeing again in Port Damali?” It’s a deflection, just like she has been doing for the past weeks, but it’s still a genuine question, and so Fjord sighs softly and shifts to wrap his arm around her shoulders, tucking her into his side as he tips his head back against the headboard.

“I really miss the sunrises. They’re fucking gorgeous, coming up over the bay,” and he keeps telling her about his hometown, closes his eyes and can see it there in his mind, tries to paint the picture for her with his words. He talks until Jester’s head lolls against his shoulder, until he feels her breathing get deep and even against his side, until he looks down to see her fast asleep under his arm.

Fjord thinks for a moment about about getting up, about trying to lay her down on her bed without waking her and going back to his own bed, but she’s not the only one who needs the comfort and there’s an ache under his sternum that doesn’t go away no matter how much he rubs it. He tips his head back against the headboard again, shifts slightly and leans a little bit into Jester, and he falls asleep thinking about her watching the sun rise up over the ocean.

He wakes up with a crick in his neck and a dry mouth, but he doesn’t remember any bad dreams or Jester making any sounds in her sleep, so it’s a better morning than a lot of the recent ones. He looks down to see that she’s actually drooled on his shirt, and it’s such a stark difference from waking up to see her rubbing tear tracks off her face that he starts laughing.

He’s not sure if it’s the shaking of his chest or the sound he can’t hold back that wakes her, but Jester blinks up at him blearily after just a moment, and when he sees a line on her face from where his shirt had folded under her cheek he starts laughing even harder.

“What’s so funny?” She starts giggling even as she asks, and Fjord just shakes his head and pulls her into a sideways hug as they laugh together for the first time in a long time.

When they go downstairs to meet their friends Nott is already sitting at a table with Caleb, looking forlorn as she stares at her hands on the table, and Jester immediately goes to her side, drops to her knees next to the goblin’s chair and pulls her into a tight hug, voice frantic as she talks quickly.

“I’m so sorry, Nott, I didn’t mean it, please believe me, I’m not mad at you, I’m so sorry,” and Fjord sees the surprise flash across Nott’s face behind her mask before she throws her arms back around Jester’s shoulders, claws skittering over her cloak as she pats the tiefling’s back.

“It’s okay! It’s okay, Jester, I’m okay, we’re okay,” and she keeps talking, the words muffled by the mask, until Jester finally takes a deep breath and falls silent, and Fjord finally sits down as he hears Caleb heave a sigh of relief. “Thank you for apologizing, but I promise, we’re okay.”

“Okay. Thank you, Nott.” Jester stands slowly, one of her knees cracking sharply, and the rest of them at the table wince at the sound as she drops into the chair between Fjord and Nott. A bleary-eyed barmaid starts bringing over the food that Fjord had arranged for the night before, and they only have to wait a few minutes before Beau, Yasha, and Caduceus come down into the tavern.

Beau slumps down into the seat next to him with a groan, grabbing a piece of bacon off the plate in front of her before pushing it away to make room as she lays her head on the table, and Jester giggles and reaches across him to poke her ear.

“Uh-oh, looks like Beau turned into a zombie.” Jester’s teasing is gentle, natural, and the whole table laughs as the human raises the middle finger of her free hand. Yasha sits next to Beau, Caduceus on her other side, and the aasimar smiles across the table at Jester.

“Yes, I’m afraid that wound from the circus finally caught up with us.” There’s a stunned moment of silence where Beau raises her head to stare open-mouthed at Yasha with the rest of them, long enough that the woman starts to look unsure of herself, before they all burst into laughter again, sheer relief and joy palpable in the air.

“You were in the circus, right?” Caduceus says it quietly as the laughter dies down, a soft smile on his face, and Yasha nods, an answering smile quirking her lips up.

“Yes, with Mollymauk.” The table grows silent when she says the name, and Fjord darts his eyes around to take in everyone’s expressions, but there’s no open grief, just muted sorrow; he still takes one of Jester’s hands before he looks back to Yasha.

“Yes, Nott and Jester told me a little bit about that. Would you mind telling me more? I’ve never seen a circus before.” There’s no expectation in the firbolg’s voice, just an open invitation, and Fjord feels Jester’s hand relax in his when Yasha nods.

“Yes. We can ride next to each other, and I’ll tell you a little bit about it.” Everyone falls quiet as they eat, but it’s comfortable, and it’s not until they’re all starting to stand that Fjord realizes he’s still holding Jester’s hand. The tiefling’s smiling up at him when he looks down, and she squeezes his fingers once before letting go to skip up to Yasha, hooking their arms together and leading her towards the door.

Fjord follows after them, rubbing his sternum absently as the ache blooms again, but he can mostly ignore it at the sight of Jester’s tail curling around Yasha’s waist to hold her close and Yasha leaning down to smile at the tiefling.

He can ignore anything if he gets to see his friends heal.

\--

It takes three more weeks for any of them to break down, and Fjord’s honestly shocked that it isn’t him.

He’s at the bar with Yasha, in a tavern that he used to frequent pretty regularly since he’d turned of age, getting the next round of drinks for their table, and Jester is on his other side, her tail loosely curled around his leg as she makes conversation with the elf next to her. He’s not really paying attention to what they’re saying, trying to give her some semblance of privacy, but then her tail tightens around his leg and she freezes next to him, and he and Yasha move as one. The barbarian pushes herself off the bar and steps around him to come to Jester’s side, imposing even as gaunt as she’s become, and Fjord presses his chest against Jester’s back and curls both hands over her shoulders, holding her firmly against him so she can feel him breathe.

“What did you just say to her?” Yasha’s voice is soft and dangerous, but the elf doesn’t seem to hear, his posture still loose as he leans heavily against the bar. He reaches out towards Jester, maybe aiming for her face, and Yasha grabs his wrist in a flash, hand squeezing so tight that Fjord sees her knuckles go impossibly paler. The man seems to suddenly notice them, tries jerking back and blinks drunkenly at the two of them standing with Jester.

“Wha-what? Hey, let go! I didn’t do nothin’!” He tries jerking back again, fear creeping into his voice, but Yasha just forces his hand down and does not let go. Fjord squeezes Jester’s shoulders gently and makes himself keep breathing slowly, rubs his thumbs up over the faded freckles on her skin where her dress doesn’t cover.

“Jess? It’s just me and Yasha, okay? This guy ain’t gonna touch you.” She doesn’t respond, chest rising and falling rapidly as she breathes shallowly, and Fjord pushes down a surge of anger, squeezes her shoulders gently again and locks eyes with the elf in front of them. “Alright you fuck, last chance-what did you say to our friend here?” The man swallows audibly and looks between him and Yasha; whatever he sees makes him go pale under his tan complexion, and he tries to take another step back.

“I-I just said I’ve always wanted to know if tiefling really do run hotter.” Jester flinches as soon as he says it, tries to press further back into Fjord and makes an awful choking sound in the back of her throat.

Fjord sees red.

The man screams when there’s suddenly a sword at his throat, the summoned falchion a soothing weight in Fjord’s hand as he holds it steady over Jester’s shoulder, but Yasha keeps the elf from running, steps around him and twists both his arms behind his back. Fjord smiles when he hears a sick snap of wrist bones; it feels wrong on his face, and the one on Yasha’s face looks about the way he imagines his does, and Fjord finds a strange comfort in the feral nature of it.

He’s pretty sure the bartender is shouting something at them, but Fjord tunes him out easily, focused just on the small body shaking against his and the man being held in place in front of him.

“Now, here’s how this is going to work-” is as far as he’s able to get before suddenly there’s more bodies in his field of vision, hands reaching for him and voices breaking through the haze of fury.

“My friends here are going to let you go, and you’re going to leave without saying another thing. If you can do exactly that, and that’s a mighty big if, we will make sure they don’t follow you and kill you in the alleyway.” Caleb’s voice is charming, easy, but there’s a undertone of steel in it that has the elf nodding even as he struggles against Yasha’s grip.

“Yasha?” Beau’s voice is uncertain, and Fjord watches as she reaches out but stops herself before touching the other woman, watches as Yasha turns and shoves the elf away, hard, so he goes flying into a chair and nearly knocks it over. The man doesn’t look back, just pushes off the chair and nearly runs for the door. The bar is silent, the air in it tense, and Jester is still shaking against him; Fjord dismisses the falchion and wraps both arms around her, raising a hand to cradle the back of her head as she turns and presses her face to his chest, the tiefling taking shaky breaths and gripping onto his armor.

“What did he do to Jester? What did he say?” Caleb’s voice is soft, and Fjord exchanges a glance with Yasha, unsure if he should repeat it, afraid of pushing Jester completely over the edge. The barbarian looks just as hesitant as he does, but Jester takes the decision away from him.

“He said the same thing that the men who wanted to rape me did.” She bursts into tears the second she says it, pressing herself so firmly against Fjord that he has to shift his footing to brace himself, and he watches as their friends all stiffen, looks of rage passing across their faces. Nott makes a distressed sound before turning and heading for the door, and Caleb shares a nod with Beau before following the goblin. As they slip outside Caduceus steps around Fjord, up to the bar, where the innkeeper is still staring at the group of them, jaw set firm and eyebrows furrowed.

“Sorry about the trouble, friend. I’ll pay you twenty gold to forget the whole thing and still let us room for the night. We’ll be gone by sun up and you’ll never see us again, alright?” Caduceus slaps down the twenty gold as he talks, pushing it across the bar and smiling wide. Fjord watches, holding Jester close, and the firbolg is good but even he has his tells, his posture far too straight and tense. He breathes a sigh of relief as the human takes the money and nods, and then Yasha rests a gentle hand on Fjord’s shoulder as she ducks down to murmur into Jester’s ear.

“Can you walk upstairs with us? We’re not going to leave you. We just need to go to our room now, okay?” Her voice is gentle, comforting, and the blue tiefling takes a heaving gasp and nods, loosening her grip on Fjord. Yasha hesitates briefly and then drops her hand to Jester’s head, smooths down her curls briefly before stepping back again.

Fjord shifts his grip on Jester to get her tucked under one arm and pressed against his side, and then he follows Caduceus up the stairs, hears Beau and Yasha fall in behind them, and as they reach the first room a broken voice reaches his ears.

“Can-can everyone come in? Please?” Jester doesn’t look up or around, but immediately their friends all murmur agreement. Fjord opens the door and leads her in, thankful that it’s their room they made it to first, and he guides her over to one of the beds, sits down with her and feels gratitude surge through him as Yasha sits on her other side, wrapping her arm around Jester’s back just under Fjord’s.

Caduceus takes the chair as Beau sits on the other bed, and the monk takes several slow breaths before she leans forward to rest her arms on her knees. The room is still and silent as they listen to Jester’s cries slowly taper off, until she’s hiccuping and taking shaky breaths as she winds her tail around Fjord’s waist and shifts to get one arm around Yasha’s.

“Jester? If you can, will you send a message to Caleb or Nott, so they know where we are when they come back?” Beaus’s voice is soft but it still carries in the quiet of the room, and Fjord looks up to see blatant concern on her face as she worries her hands between her knees. He feels Jester nod, listens to her take another shaky breath and looks down to see her wiping her face clean with her free hand.

“Yes, I can.” She reaches into a pouch on her side and pulls out the copper wire, murmurs the spell under her breath and closes her eyes as she clears her throats. “Nott, we’re in mine and Fjord’s room when you and Caleb come back.” It’s the shortest message he’s heard her send, and Fjord looks over her head to see Yasha looking just as worried as he feels. Jester hums softly after a moment and nods, tucking the wire back into her pouch. “She says they’re almost back.”

“Okay, cool. Thanks, Jester.” Beau sounds relieved and when Fjord looks back over to her she’s let her head hang down between her shoulders. He glances over to see Caduceus just watching them all quietly, a deep sorrow dragging his features down, and Fjord can’t hold eye contact with that knowing gaze, ducks his head back down to look at Jester, squeezes her gently and feels Yasha do the same.

“Of course, Beau. That was a smart idea.” Jester almost sounds normal until her voice cracks, and then silence overtakes the room again as Fjord racks his mind for something he could say that would distract them all.

Nott slips into the room only a few minutes into them sitting in the heavy silence, Caleb following quietly behind her and closing the door quickly. Nott darts over to them, her claws making little sounds as she twists her fingers together and peers up at Jester from under her hood.

“Jester?” The goblin’s voice is small, and as she leans closer and reaches up to push her hood back Fjord sees that her claws are dark with blood. He snaps his head up to see that Caleb has gone to sit down next to Beau and catches a whiff of smoke as the man leans down to murmur into their friend’s ear. “Jester?” He feels the tiefling twitch against him, as if she’s only just realizing Nott is in front of her, and he looks down to see her blinking rapidly like she’s trying to focus.

“Sorry, what? Yes Nott?” Her voice is a little steadier than before, still frail but no longer breaking, and Fjord tightens his arm briefly around her shoulders to remind her that he and Yasha are still holding her. The goblin shakes her head and starts to run fingers through her hair before quickly dropping both hands to her sides, wiping them against her shirt before she tugs her mask down around her neck.

“Just wanted to make sure you were okay, that’s all.” Her warbly little voice fills the room, and Fjord holds his breath and watches Jester, saying a prayer to an entity he doesn’t understand that she doesn’t try to close herself off again.

“I’m not,” and Jester’s voice cracks again but she takes a deep breath and pushes on, “I’m not okay, is the thing,” and Fjord just holds on as she finally lets the words pour out. She starts with being taken, the fear that had filled her and stayed with her, and Fjord’s surprised when Yasha joins in, her breathing growing just as ragged as Jester’s. Yasha falls silent when Jester talks about the second night, about the three of them fighting off the two slavers, and then Fjord surprises himself by picking up where Jester falters when she gets to the torture.

Nott stays in front of them as they talk, the three of them weaving together long day and night they spent in the dungeon, tears filling her eyes and eventually rolling down her cheeks, but she doesn’t make a sound, no one else in the room does, until finally they taper off, Jester’s voice turning into a whisper and fading as she finishes telling about watching Fjord get knocked out.

“You’re so strong,” Nott’s voice is wet but fierce, and Fjord watches her reach out to grab Jester’s free hand, “you’re all so strong. But it’s okay to let us be strong for you, now.” It strikes Fjord through the heart, and he looks quickly to the side when he hears a sharp intake of breath, sees Yasha looking as unsteady as he feels, and then Jester leans forward and throws her arms around Nott’s slight form.

The goblin immediately fists her hands in the back of Jester’s cloak and hugs her back, burying her face against her shoulder, and Fjord and Yasha are left with their hands next to each other on Jester’s back, right where her heart is beating strong.

“What do you want to do now?” Beau’s voice is a little rough, and Fjord looks up to see her leaning heavily into Caleb and rubbing wetness off her cheeks. He feels Jester draw back towards him, looks back down to see her and Nott finally letting go of each other as they both offer shaky smiles.

“Is there another inn we can go to, Fjord?” Yasha’s voice is soft and he meets her gaze to see her looking tired, mask stripped away, and he nods, slides a few of his fingers over hers and tries to smile.

“Yeah, I know a couple other ones. We can get out of here in the morning and go to any of them, unless y’all just want to set out for Nicodranas. We can always wait for this to blow over and then make our way back up here.” He says it to everyone, looking around the room to see all attention on him, and they’re all still until Caleb finally clears his throat.

“Ja, let’s do that. Let’s see more of your coast.” Beau and Yasha immediately murmur agreement, and Fjord looks down to see Jester smiling up at him.

“I want to see the sunrise before we go.” Her voice is quiet but it still carries, and Fjord can’t help but smile, slides his hand up to gently curl around the back of her neck as he nods.

“A sunrise always makes me feel better.” Caduceus says just as quietly, his voice soothing and low, but Fjord doesn’t look away from Jester’s bright eyes.

“Alright, we can do that.” They stay up a little bit later, Jester pulling Nott into her lap as the seven of them discuss travel plans, but eventually they start setting each other off with yawns, and everyone slowly leaves the room with warm wishes of pleasant dreams.

Yasha is the last to leave, and she ducks down to kiss Jester’s forehead when she finally stands from the bed. “We’re going to be okay, eventually. It might take a while, but I think we will be.” Jester stands to hug her and mumbles something against her shoulder that Fjord can’t quite hear, but the smile that grows across Yasha’s face leads him to assume what it is before the aasimar replies, “I love you, too.” Fjord waits for them to part before he stands as well, reaching out and clasping Yasha’s shoulder when she turns her gaze on him.

“Thank you for staying.” He doesn’t mean to say it but it slips out anyway, and Fjord blinks in surprise at himself, but Yasha just smiles softly and reaches up to gently squeeze his wrist, her fingers briefly pressing against his pulse point.

“I plan on staying for a very long time, this time. As long as I can.” Her voice is open, honest, and her smile is sincere. Fjord nods and squeezes her shoulder again before letting go, but Yasha holds onto his wrist between them, eyes darting between him and Jester. “And I promise you, I will always come back. Whenever I am called away, I will always come back to you.”

“We know.” Jester’s voice is clear and Fjord looks down to see her smiling up at Yasha, and he turns his smile on the woman as well, murmuring his agreement and feeling weightless at the happiness lighting up both of their faces.

“Good. Now, get some rest. I will see you in the morning.” She lets go gently and turns to walk towards the door, and just before she closes it behind her Fjord sees Beau waiting for her, a hesitant look on her face, and he hopes that she finally takes her chance at happiness.

He and Jester share a bed again that night; he falls asleep to her soft breath puffing out against his neck, and wakes up to her tail lazily sliding over his hand on her back.

Everyone is still half asleep as they converge downstairs and head out towards the docks, but Fjord can’t help but notice that everyone’s shoulders seem lighter than before. Jester is the only one really talking, Beau and Nott occasionally giving monosyllabic responses, but there’s nothing forced about it, and he enjoys listening to her tell them about everything she’s going to show them when they get to Nicodranas.

She falls quiet once they reach the docks, steps up to Fjord’s side and winds her tail around his leg, and he doesn’t think twice before wrapping his arm around her shoulders and tucking her against his side.

The sun is just starting to crest over the horizon, and their friends line up on either side of them, the Mighty Nein standing together to greet the day. The sky lights up slowly, turning beautiful colors as the sun continues its ascent, and Fjord doesn’t know why but he looks down at Jester, sees her face lit up by the not only the sun but also her own smile, and suddenly that dull ache beneath his sternum turns into a roar and Fjord loses his breath, because-

He’s in love with Jester.

\--

He sits on his realization through the week-long travel it takes to get to Nicodranas, pretends like nothing has changed since the night he and Yasha and Jester opened up to their friends. They keep opening up every night they camp out, Yasha talking about still seeing Molly out of the corner of her eye and Fjord talking about the anger he can’t let go of and Jester talking about the fear that clings to her every moment she’s awake, but even with that Jester seems lighter and lighter the closer they grow to her hometown, like she’s truly letting go of the demons that they’ve been running from.

Fjord keeps biting his lip until it bleeds to make himself stop from blurting out that he loves her, but thankfully he can blame it on his growing tusks, is able to believably brush it off as being unused to them after so long. He feels bad, lying again after they’d all finally laid their hurts and struggles bare, but at the same time he doesn’t know how to even go about processing the emotion, let alone share them with his best friend.

He barely sleeps the night before they reach Nicodranas, spends the night staring up at the stars during his watch and then at the top of the tent as he lays next to Jester, trying to think of anyway he could bring this up so that it wouldn’t change their entire dynamic, because yes, Jester flirted, and seemed to get jealous, but that’s just because he was her first real friend outside of The Traveler. She doesn’t love him, maybe had had a brief crush on him, but Fjord hadn’t known how to react to her flirting before and he sure as hell isn’t going to try and bring it up now.

Even if he did have the courage to confess to her, he’s got exactly zero past relationships to lend him any possibility of not embarrassing himself horribly.

And then there’s still the fact that they’re both still carrying scars from being tortured, not just the physical ones but the ones that Fjord can feel in his mind. There’s no way she’d be even remotely close to being okay with a relationship, he’s sure of it, and so by the time Caleb and Nott come around to wake everyone Fjord has decided that he’s just going to lock these feelings away and never let them see the light of day.

It feels awful, but he’s certain that ruining the friendship that he and Jester have formed would feel worse.

Jester barely eats at breakfast, but for once it seems to be out of excitement, and so none of them say anything as she passes her food to Nott and chatters enthusiastically about how she can’t wait to introduce them to her mother.

They all eat quickly, laughing as Jester encourages them and starts to break down the tents before most of them are even finished, and her good mood is infectious as they attach everything to the horses and start the ride down to the speck of a town on the beach that Jester had been able to point out at them just as the sun had been going down the night before.

Barely two hours pass before they’re entering town, and Jester is practically vibrating in front of Fjord as she guides their horse towards the coastal side. As they head further in he can see that they’re getting some strange looks, but Jester doesn’t glance around, and after a few minutes he can immediately see what building she’s taking them to.

It’s beautifully built, large and weathered just enough by proximity to the beach to look charming instead of run down, and Jester jumps off the horse as soon as they reach the front of it, tying off the reins to a hitching post and looking up at him demandingly.

“Well come on! All of you, hurry up! We can go to an inn in a little bit! No one’s going to steal our stuff!” She calls out to the rest of their friends as he slides down off the horse, and he tries his best to hide his smile as she shifts her weight impatiently, and as soon as Nott’s feet land on the ground Jester spins around and darts towards the door. Fjord starts and immediately rushes to follow her, hears their friends right behind him, and as soon as he steps in he runs into Jester’s back.

“Jess, what-” he’s barely able to start his sentence before she blindly grabs his wrist and drags him further inside, hissing quietly over her shoulder to all of them.

“Shh, quiet! We have to wait until she’s done.” He looks up as Jester pulls him into a larger room off to the side of the lobby, and then he stops still because there’s a tiefling singing on a stage.

He feels someone run into him but can’t bring himself to care, because he can see Jester in her mother, even with the color difference, and her voice is as beautiful as Jester had said it would be. He looks down when Jester lets go of his hand and sees her bringing both of hers to her mouth, sees tears gathering at the corner of her eyes even as she smiles so wide that even with how thin her face as grown he sees her dimples.

He’s not sure how long The Ruby of the Sea has been singing for, but her song ends shortly after they’ve entered, and he joins in the applause that fills the room as she trails off. The red tiefling smiles and bows several times before stepping off the stage and into the room, and Jester immediately starts weaving her way through the tables that fill it. Fjord isn’t sure if he should follow or not, decides to hang back instead and just watch as Jester quickly makes her way up to her mother.

Jester’s back is to them, but he sees the look of delighted surprise that lights up her mother’s face when she sees her daughter. They throw their arms around each other in a tight hug, and Fjord feels Nott lean against his leg as they all look on at this reunion. They finally part, and Fjord can see her mother’s mouth moving as quickly as Jester’s does when she’s excited as she reaches up to cradle her daughter’s face, thumbs rubbing over her cheeks before Jester grabs the other tiefling’s hand and spins around to start leading her back to them. Fjord rests a hand on top of Nott’s head and straightens up as they get closer, suddenly struck with the realization that he wants to give his best impression to this woman.

“Mama, this is the Mighty Nein! My best friends!” Jester’s smile hasn’t waned in the slightest, even though her eyes are a little red, and her mother laughs delightedly as she steps up next to her and looks them over appraisingly. “Everyone, this is my mother, Marian.”

“Well, your friends are my friends, Jester. Thank you all for bringing her back to me in one piece.” She’s wearing revealing clothing but there’s nothing sexual about the way she addresses them, just earnest warmth in her voice and eyes that fills Fjord with so much gratitude that Jester was raised by someone who genuinely loved her.

“Well to be honest, she’s the one whose kept most of us in one piece.” He can hear the smile in Beau’s voice as she says it, nods his agreement when Nott pipes up that she’s right.

“It’s true, Mama, most of them would be missing limbs by now if it weren’t for me.” They all laugh as she says it, and Marian sounds just like her daughter when she giggles. Jester beams around at all of them, and Fjord can see her tail curling through the air behind her like she can’t control her happiness. “We’re on vacation right now, so we’ll be staying for a little bit.”

“Now that’s the best news I’ve heard since you left. We’re in luck, I’ve got a clear schedule today, so why don’t you all wait here while I go get changed, and then I can take you over to the Graystone Inn to set you up with some rooms.” Marian finally lets go of Jester’s hand to tuck loose hair behind her ear, her eyes crinkling at the corner as she smiles at them but before looking back at Jester when she opens her mouth.

“Actually, I was thinking I could show them my old room, first, while you change? And then we could go.” Fjord sees something flash across Marian’s face, sees her smile fall ever so slightly before she widens it again, but Jester doesn’t seem to notice anything as she reaches out for her mother’s hand again.

“Anything you want, Jester.I haven’t touched it since you left.” She sounds almost wistful as she says it, but then she gently pushes past them to lead them back out into the lobby and up a staircase on the other side. She takes them up two floors of stairs before stepping out into a wide hall, talking over her shoulder as she goes to a door. “These are the private rooms of all of us who work here. Client rooms are on the second floor.”

She opens the door and steps in, and Fjord falls back out of habit to make sure everyone else goes in, counting them off in his head as his friends walk past him, and he nearly jumps out of his skin when a delicate hand curls over his shoulder.

“Well now, who are you, and why haven’t I seen you before?” The voice is a low purr, and Fjord swallows hard and turns to see an elven woman wearing next to nothing standing behind him, an open door just beyond her.

“Uh, I’m Fjord, and I’m just visiting, um, Ms. Lavore, I’m from out of town, and-” he’s stammering as bad as he ever has before, his cheeks growing hot, and feels nothing but relief when a small hand curls around his wrist.

“And he’s my friend, Selene, and he’s not interested.” Jester sounds petulant as she says it, like a child, but when he glances down at her she discreetly winks up at him. The other woman sighs and lets go of him to step back towards her room.

“Alright, then, I see how it is. But you better come spend some time with me before you leave, you hear me?” She sounds fond, her smile a lot more sincere when Fjord looks back over at her, and Jester laughs before promising that she will and tugging Fjord into her mother’s room.

He waits for Jester to keep laughing as he closes the door behind him, but instead she reaches up towards his face when he leans against the door.

“Are you okay? She can be a lot, I know, but she doesn’t mean anything by it.” Her hands are gentle where they cradle his face, her eyes concerned, and Fjord is hit with the urge to kiss her the slight frown off her face. He smiles, instead, and straightens up, gently curling his hands around Jester’s wrists to pull her hands down from his face.

“Yeah, I’m okay. Now, where’s your room?” Jester stares up at him for a long moment, a scrutinizing expression on her face, but then she smiles back up at him and steps further into the room, twisting her wrists to break his grasp but catching the fingers of one of his hands to tug him with her.

“Right through here. Sorry, Mama, I had to rescue him from Selene. You can change in just a minute.” She leads past her mother, and Fjord can see her that Marian’s eyes are sad as she watches her daughter take them to another door and open it. “Come in! This is my room.” They all file in after her, Caduceus stooping down low to make it through the doorway before straightening up again and closing the door behind him, and Fjord is immediately struck by one thing: there are no windows.

Jester doesn’t seem perturbed by it, skipping over to a lush looking bed, but he sees Yasha and Beau looking over the walls as well as they all walk into the room. It’s large enough that it doesn’t feel crowded even with seven people filling it, and the walls are covered in pinned up drawings, beautiful paintings and crude doodles and realistic sketches.

“Jester, did you-did you go outside, when you were younger?” Nott’s voice is soft, hesitant, but when Fjord looks over to Jester the tiefling just smiles.

“Yes, my mama would take me out to walk on the beach in the early mornings and later at night, when she wasn’t working and there weren’t people around.” She says it plainly, no negative emotions in her tone, but Fjord still feels his heart break, hears Caleb make a muted sound next to him and sees the man’s brow furrowing out of the corner of his eye.

They stay quiet after that exchange, just looking at Jester’s art until Marian opens the door and tells them that she’s ready to go with a wide smile.

She takes them back downstairs and outside to their horses, leads them first to a nearby stable and then a few blocks down to what she says is the nicest inn in town to get them rooms. Marian says nothing when Jester says that she and Fjord will share a room like usual, but he notices her looking at him calculatingly as they head upstairs to put their things down.

Jester literally flings the haversack onto a bed as soon as Fjord opens the door and then turns to skip back down the stairs, and he can only laugh and follow suit.

Marian is charming and warm, and Fjord quickly finds himself at ease as she gives them all a tour of the town. The day passes by quickly, everyone in good spirits as they wish Jester’s mother good night as she drops them off back at the inn for the night, and Fjord sees that everyone is smiling as they troop upstairs. He catches Yasha and Beau twisting their fingers together as they slip into their room across the hall from his and Jester’s, and his smile grows even wider as he ducks into his room after Jester.

“Wasn’t that a good day, Fjord? Isn’t it wonderful here?” She doesn’t sound tired in the slightest as she takes off her armor, and Fjord can only laugh and nod as he walks over to the other bed to start doing the same.

“It was a great day, Jester, and it’s really nice here. You must have loved it, growing up.” He keeps his back to her as he hears cloth sliding against skin, sets the last of his armor down before unlacing his boots.

“I did. I mean, today was my first time seeing a lot of the town, but I loved always being on the beach.” Her voice is muffled during the first half of what she says, and Fjord waits until he can hear her better to turn around, sees her smoothing her nightgown down and clears his throat awkwardly.

“Were you okay with that?” He’s hesitant to ask it, but he needs to know if this is something else she’s been hiding from them, another scar she hasn’t let anyone see. Jester looks up at him, startled, and her mouth curls into an crooked smile.

“Well, I was lonely sometimes, but my mama played with me whenever she could. And I spent a lot of time drawing and painting, so that kept me busy. And then I met The Traveller, so yes, I was okay with it. My mama needed to keep me safe. I’ve never been mad at her for it.” She says it plainly, honest and holding nothing back, and Fjord nods, raises a hand to rub the back of his neck and smiles a little sheepishly back at her.

“Okay. Sorry, I wasn’t trying to accuse her of anything. Just wanted to make sure you were okay.” Jester’s face softens as he apologizes and she nods at him, her smile evening out into a far more familiar one that sets him completely at ease.

“I know. It’s okay.” Fjord nods back at her before turning around to start pulling the blankets down on his bed; after a minute he looks over his shoulder to ask her if she’s ready to blow out the lantern and starts when he sees her standing right behind him.

“Gods above, Jess, you move like a cat sometimes.” He turns to face her completely, concern immediately filling his gut when he sees the war of emotions across her face. “Hey, what is it? You okay?” Jester takes a deep breath and nods as he asks it, but halfway through she seems to change her mind and switches to shaking her head instead. “Jess?”

“I want to sleep with you.” She says it into the space between them, blunt in only that way she can be, and Fjord immediately feels his heart start to race as panic courses through his body.

“I don’t want to have sex with you!” He blurts it out without thinking, immediately grimaces and raises a hand to cover his mouth like he can take the words back, but Jester just makes a confused sound and opens her mouth again.

“Okay? That’s fine, Fjord, I just meant sleep in the same bed.” She has a determined look on her face, and Fjord thinks he could probably get away with convincing her to forget what he said, but he doesn’t want to lie to her anymore.

“And I mean that I’m never going to want to have sex with you.” He takes his hand away from his mouth as he says it, awkwardly shifts his weight as he watches her process the words.

“No one said you have to, Fjord. I’m certainly not going to make you.” Her tone doesn’t change but he can see the hurt that flashes through her eyes as she crosses her arms in front of her, and Fjord makes a frustrated sound and forces himself not to reach out.

“Fuck, I’m doing this all wrong.” Jester doesn’t make a sound but he can see her closing herself off from him, and he lets it all spill out. “Listen, I’m in love with you, Jester, but I don’t like sex. With anyone. I’m never going to want to have sex with you.” Her arms drop to her sides and her posture changes, and for a brief moment the panic intensifies when he sees her eyes going glassy.

“You love me?” Jester’s voice is hesitant, but he can see a smile tugging at the corners of her  mouth, and hope starts trembling under Fjord’s breastbone.

“Yeah, Jess, I really do.” He’s barely done saying the words before Jester reaches up for his collar, and he goes easily when she pulls him down into a kiss. He cradles her jaw immediately, rubs his thumbs over her cheeks when he feels tears against his skin, but when they part she’s still smiling.

“I love you too, Fjord.” She murmurs it against his mouth, hands still curled in his shirt, and Fjord’s brain is silent for one long moment, because he never expected those words to come out of her mouth.

“Oh.” It’s nowhere near an eloquent reaction, but Jester giggles anyway and can’t seem to keep the smile off her face. Fjord starts to smile back before he remembers something, and he straightens up instead, swallowing hard before making himself ask, “and, uh, the sex thing?”

“If you don’t want to have sex, then we don’t want to have sex. I haven’t really wanted to, ever since, you know, anyway, but even if I do start to want it again then we still don’t have to. Ever. I promise.” She slides one hand down to press against his heart and uses the other grab one of his and rest it over her own as she says it, and Fjord sees no lie in her eyes and feels her heart beating steadily under his palm, and this time he can’t stop his grin as he ducks down and clumsily presses their mouths together.

“Thank you.” He whispers it against her lips when she sways back slightly, and he loses his breath watching her eyes flutter open to meet his. She smiles back at him, her hand still holding his against her heart, and carefully leans their foreheads together.

“You don’t have to thank me for that, Fjord. I love you.” She says is back just as softly, and she squeezes his hand once before letting go and walking over to the lantern to blow it out. Fjord crawls into the bed behind him as she does, and he holds the sheet up for her as she slides in next to him and cuddles into his side. He presses a kiss to the top of her head when she rests it against his shoulder and leaves his mouth there for a moment, sure that the smile will be obvious in his voice when he speaks.

“G’night, Jess. Love you.” She winds her tail over his waist as he says it, resting a hand over his heart and humming happily, and Fjord falls asleep with warmth blooming under his sternum.

He wakes up to gentle lips pressed against his, and can't help the smile that takes over his face, because this is going to be his forever.

**Author's Note:**

> Oh my god I finished the damn thing. I spent almost a month barely making it through 7 pages, and then spent about 16 hours getting to page 39 to finish this off. I really hope this felt authentic and realistic to all of you, because it is very real to me.
> 
> So there is going to be a second chapter to this, but this can definitely be read as a oneshot instead. The second chapter is just going to be a short thing that I thought of on the plane today.
> 
> Title is from "Madness" by Sleeping With Sirens, which is the third track on the playlist above.
> 
> Thank you to everyone who made it through this beast, and please leave a comment if you did, I love hearing what people think of my work!
> 
> If you'd like to, you can come find me and talk to me on [tumblr](https://lovewithagirl.tumblr.com/) and [twitter!](https://twitter.com/daleytwin2/)


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